Every man supposes himself not to be fully understood; and if there is any truth in him, if he rests at last on the divine soul, I see not how it can be otherwise. The last chamber, the last closet, he must feel was never opened; there is always a residuum unknown, unanalyzable. That is every man believes that he has a greater possibility.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
This could take some tangential twists…
I was introduced to Mr Emerson by someone who once told me “our moods do not believe in each other”. The person in question was telling me that we were in two separate places whilst trying to forge a connection; I had wondered in what context it had came from and so I read Mr Emerson’s essay “Circles”.
I tend not to read such writings often because whilst I find them enlightening, I also find myself getting frustrated at how convoluted some can be. However whilst making my way through it, I stumbled upon the above quote and it sparked something that I had been thinking about for a while. This is not to say that this is what Mr Emerson meant by this phrase, it’s just my interpretation of it.
What I had been thinking about was how I seem to have some very separate personas, even though I am one person. In the same vein as a Horcrux; except there’s no dark magic or killing or splitting of my soul into pieces and assigning it to inanimate objects; I seem to section myself off. It’s almost as if I have multiple versions of myself to deal with different situations or to be with different people.
In some scenarios this is of course the norm, you can hardly be entirely yourself with your boss as you would be with friends, and there are the normal differences between how you are with your partner as opposed to with your family. However I feel that I seem to split myself into more than just that. As an example, I have my creative persona and my writing persona, people that know me well know about my creative persona but I don’t usually volunteer that information to others, unless they were to ask in a straightforward manner. Only one or two people know about my writing persona, not the extent of what I want to do with regards to writing and blogging, they’ve just witnessed me scribbling things down on paper. It’s not that I don’t want to tell people to keep myself separate; it is in some way maybe a lack of confidence or my slightly introverted nature.
I did read something recently that I thought perhaps described fairly accurately why I might be doing it (although I cant remember where I read it or whose thoughts they are). What was suggested was that people might not want to showcase themselves because they are afraid of failure, afraid of putting themselves out there in case they end up looking weak for it. For myself I think it’s possibly imagined ridicule, if people were to find out I was writing they would maybe laugh or tell me I wont be any good or even worse make me feel pressurised to write something that they will find amazing. Everyone that writes or that creates things wants other people to like what they are doing, but no one wants to feel the pressure of trying to create something to only someone else’s standards, without their own being priority.
My partitions are then in essence what is keeping my dreams going. Yet I do often wonder if; as Mr Emerson states; there is a “last chamber”, is there another persona, a central persona, that remains entirely hidden because if it is discovered I may be confronted with my limitations? Will I be a failure or a fraud underneath it all? Or would my failings and limitations make me strive towards any potential?
What do you think?
Day 5 of everyday inspiration.